National Pumpkin Day Special Feature: Pumpkins Actually Suck

Today, October 26th, is National Pumpkin Day.


Folks, I’m sorry if I offend anyone, but Pumpkins suck.

Carving Pumpkins

Sure the kids love it, but it’s no fun. What are you going to use to cut it? A big knife…someone is going to lose a finger. Those carving kits? Absolutely useless- dull blades that bend like crazy and all of a sudden your Jack-o-lantern has one cockeye.

And if you are able to cut it properly, if you use the little scoop they give you to clean out the inside it’ll cost you 45 minutes and a mild case of carpal tunnel.

The design? I am not creative at all. Just the worst. And I love my kids, but let’s face it, the ideas kids come up with are either terrible or impossible to execute. And don’t even start with those ridiculous paper stencils. Pro tip: Paper is flat and tears…pumpkins are round and tape doesn’t really stick to them to them properly. This is not a good mix. Take your stupid $3.99 book of designs and fire it to the sun, please.

Pumpkin Pie

Why do people insist on making pumpkin pie in the fall, aka “pumpkin season”? YOU DON’T EVEN USE REAL PUMPKINS. The disgusting canned filling is available 365 days a year. If you really liked pumpkin pie, you’d make it year round. You don’t like Pumpkin Pie…you like cinnamon, nutmeg, and sugar. So does pretty much everyone. And Pumpkin filling is not a top 500 vehicle for those spices.

We’re adults here…let’s not let nostalgia fool us into thinking pumpkin pie is necessary.

Decorating Your Yard with Pumpkins

I like the look of pumpkins. Orange is a top 2-3 color. They are shiny. The stems are cool. But you know what else they are??? A buffet for rodents.

Every damn animal in a 300 yard radius is gonna come for a taste, makes a giant mess. Then the damn thing starts rotting. And let’s face it, 97% of people are too lazy to throw the damn things out before they are softer than a bunny wearing a cashmere shawl. I for one am not a fan of having dead pumpkin guts all over me.

Lack of Versatility

Pumpkins are basically useless other than Halloween decorations. Most squash is delicious and there are a plethora to choose from. A far superior gord.

Pumpkin Spice Lattes

Obviously gonna offend some basic bitches up in here, but I’m not here to offend. It’s just that sometimes, the truth is the hardest thing to hear.

I’ll refer you to the “Pumpkin Pie” section. You don’t like Pumpkin flavor. If there was a coffee that actually tasted like Pumpkins, you’d spit that shit out faster than an Alpaca with indigestion and an overactive salivary gland. You like cinnamon and nutmeg. You just think you like PSL’s because you’ve become a victim of the Big Autumn marketing campaign. It’s the greatest counter-service food scam since the McRib.

That’s it folks…that’s the end of the story. Pumpkins, besides looking cool, and being able to grow them really huge, are basically useless.

Happy Halloween!

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